Okay, I started counseling again last night. My husband has done some totally irrational stuff that makes me frightened. For example...

One night we were eating dinner. He turned to me and said, "Don't leave a lake of salad dressing on your plate."

I was so pissed. I don't know why it pissed me off so much. I guess because I am so over him trying to control every little aspect of my life, for putting me down all the time, for blaming me for everthing rotten that ever happens in our lives. I turned to him and said, "Don't tell me how much salad dressing I can use."

This snow balled into a huge fight. I don't even know how. All I knew was I was not going to allow this man to tell me how much salad dressing, or A-1 sauce, or ketchup I could use. Because then he would start telling me what food I was allowed to eat, which essentially he was doing.

Besides... what was I going to do with the salad dressing? Lick it off my plate? Put it back in the bottle?

I went to the spare bedroom to clear off the bed for the evening's sleep. He overturned the furniture in the living room. I called my health insurance company for names of counselors the next day.

That was about four weeks ago.

This past Sunday evening we watched a movie, and when the movie was over a documentary came on PBS. My dog, Buster, stretched out on my chest and I fell asleep on the love seat. I suddenly awoke with a start. Hubby was standing over me with the strangest look in his eyes. I mean it scared the bejesus out of me. Buster must have realized that I tensed up because he began to growl. Big time. I couldn't calm the dog down, and hubby wouldn't move to let me up!

Finally Buster jumped off my chest and dove under the love seat.

I'd made the list of counselors from weeks prior, but the next day I made the appointment.

I walk this fine line with my husband. He has hurt me twice in our twenty five years of marriage. Once when we were first married 24 years ago... he held me down and hit my face pretty bad. More recently within the past 7 years he twisted my finger so bad I couldn't wear a ring on it for a few years.

But he does overturn things. He does hit or kick the dogs too hard. And he has recently threatened to slap my adult daughter.

When all this came out last night in counseling, my counselor was like.... WHOA!!!! He told me he literally had hairs standing up on his neck.

I told the counselor what I wanted from counseling was to make a decision. I've thought so long about divorcing this guy. I always had the children to consider. My oldest son is established in his own place now. My daughter is in college and making noises about moving into her own apartment with friends. That consideration is gone.

So why would I stay with him? When he isn't whacked out, he is so much fun! Seriously. He has a great sense of humor. We can converse on many levels, and we have great sex. We have many interests in common.

My mother made a statement me to one time. She said, "You have to decide if the good days outweigh the bad days."

When I'm anxious about going home from work because I don't know what I'll find at home... Jekyll or Hyde... I'd say that for the most part every day is a bad day. I shouldn't be afraid to go home to my own house. I shouldn't be afraid of how much salad dressing I use.

I'm supposed to invite him to counseling. I don't want to. The last time we engaged in marriage counseling, he played the blame game while the counselor made odd statements like, "You know, when I feel all uptight, I think about my garden and drinking a glass of ice tea." So the two of us are fighting, and she is hanging out in her garden!

I do take some blame for things that have happened in our life toether. I have run up the credit cards a time or two. I have had my one on-line affair. Here is how I feel about the ugly things I've done in my life. I did them. I admit what I did was stupid. But in doing them I learned valuable life lessons. Don't do that stupid thing again. I regret what I did, and never want to repeat those same stupid mistakes.

We all want to think we are people of integrity and that we'd never do anything to harm another human soul. The thing is that we are just people, and people make mistakes. That was not a statment made to excuse behavior. The was a statement made so that we can remember to forgive ourselves and move on.

I don't know how to ask him to go to counseling. I don't want to.