In February 2002 I had an affair. Well, to qualify it, I was having an Internet affair for about a year before we actually met in person. Some folks don't consider the hanky panky which goes on over the Internet as "an affair". To be honest I'm not sure how to qualify it either.  I was waiting for my daughter to graduate from high school, and then I was going to leave my husband. So, although I did hide my Internet connection with this other man from him, I didn't think of the consequences.

A little history. Hubby and I have been married 24 years. That is the only time in that period of our marriage that I did something like this. It is not like I habitually have affairs.

Hubby found out in Feb of 2003. I guess I'm not the subversive type. I took a video tape of the event. There was no sexual intercourse involved. Hard to explain what it was all about, but it was incriminating enough.

My husband has had major self esteem issues from the beginning of our marriage due to the way he was raised by his parents. His father was an ass, and his step-father was a worse ass. When he saw the digital video on my computer, he freaked. We went to marriage counseling for eight weeks. I immediately cut all ties with the other guy. (I'd been seeing him less and less on line, and had made up my mind to cut it off anyway.)

So now it is nearly two years later since Hubby found out.

I don't want to downplay what I did. I feel a great deal of remorse for causing him pain. I feel stupid for getting involved with the other guy. I could blather on and on to that end, but only I know how I feel about it, so describing my remorse is kind of stupid.

During the time I was seeing this guy online, Hubby and I were going through major stress with our respective extended families. His way of dealing with stress is to be emotionally abusive. My reaction to the abuse was to take up with someone else to feel better. I know it was wrong, not only because it hurt Hubby, but also because I realize now I need to feel better about myself because IIIIIIII respect me!

About once a week, hubby goes into this funk. He goes over the same territory again and again. He can't believe I did that. He was trying so hard. I did everything wrong. He just can't believe I would do that to him. I've pointed out that he wasn't the sweet smelling rose he claims to be. He simply can't believe that about himself. He cannot admit he is or ever was lacking.

I asked him tonight if he intended on rubbing my face in my mistake the rest of my life. I'm not putting up with it. I've apologized. I've begged for forgiveness. I've begged him to move forward. I've done everything I can think of to assure him I love him and want to make our marriage strong. I've begged for marriage counseling.

The thing I can't understand is why it is so easy for him to find fault in others (he is SOOOO quick to point out the faults of others, not just me, and it makes others uncomfortable) yet he is incapable of admitting he should take part of the blame for the meltdown of our marriage 3 years ago.

I didn't realize he was mentally abusive until I went to counseling for depression. The good thing is that I've figured out how to defend myself against his attacks. The bad thing is that he isn't getting better. Sometimes when he is in a funk, he sort of scares me. It is like I'm looking at someone I don't know. On of my online female friends, who is also friends with him is afraid physically for me. I've talked about leaving him. She thinks he will try to hurt me if I do.

I'm at a loss. I told him tonight that he is mentally ill. I told him that he is stuck in the past, and isn't willing to move forward. He comes up with these off the wall scenarios about what he thinks happened, for example... the other guy and I got together and dissed him. I told him he is coming up with lies and believing them. It fuels the fire. I told him I want to move forward. I keep asking him what about now? How does he feel about our marriage now? He accused me of trying to cover everything over, make the past go away. If I wanted to cover everything over, why would I want to go to marriage counseling?!? I told him that I can't keep living like this. I told him if he was going to continue this rut, I was going to leave.

The strange thing is, he has this selective memory recently. I mean seriously, he scares me. He may remember I said it. He may not. He may remember portions of our conversation. I'm not sure.

I guess where I am at now is this. My husband can be a great person. We enjoy camping together. We enjoy many things together. I feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. You take this vow, you know? Maybe I'm taking it more seriously than I did before. But should it be my penance to put up with his bizarre behavior? What is in sickness and in health, when one is mentally abusing (or trying to abuse) another? Like I said, I've learned to deflect his garbage, but that doesn't make it any less stressful or wearying. Out of a week's time, we probably get two nights full sleep. He wakes up, then starts to tell me he had a bad dream (regarding the video), or he is so sad. Sometimes he doesn't say anything, he just tosses restlessly.

I've tried sleeping in the spare room. He comes in the middle of the night to get me.

I guess I have one of two options. Either see a counselor by myself, or see an attorney. Neither prospect seems palatable. I don't want to go back to the same counselor, and how exactly does one pick an attorney?