I've been thinking of so much lately... it is almost what to post first. 10 anything.... like 10 church, 10 work, 10 drama team.

How bout this.... 10 ways to end your life.

Do you know if you go out on the Internet you can find 1000 ways to end your life? I've had the perfect plan.

When you think about ending your life, you don't want it to be messy. That means that your family cannot find you. You don't want to down pills because ... you throw up! You don't want to slit your wrists in the bathtub because .... well yuck... someone finds you. Besides the fact that ... that hurts.

We have a famous bridge near us... the Sunshine Skyway. Because it is so high, it is known for the bridge where people go and jump to die. Sometimes they don't die. That sounds so extreme! I know vicariously about a woman who jumped. She died. I also know about a man who jumped twice and lived. Then killed himself another way.

I'm sort of sad now. Not in the way of a person who is ready to end it all, but when I get sad, I have suicidal ideations. I've learned how to deal with it. First of all is not letting yourself fall in a pit. Once in the pit getting out is hard.

So, I was thinking I'm fucking sick of this life. I know how to end it painlessly and away from family so they don't have to find me. Of course, someone will find me, but when you are in this frame of mind you don't think about strangers.

My son's wedding is coming up in December. It is my greatest joy and the bain of my existance. We ---- that being hubby and I ---- have to travel out of country for the nuptials. He is royally pissed. His whole life revolves around how other people dictate what he has to do. I've told him he doesn't have to go. He insists on going and on being miserable.

I can't control him. I can only control me. His behavior sends me off the deep end. I have to yank myself back up again.

As yucky as this time of my life might be, I tell myself (self talk) that nothing is going to stand in the way of me seeing my first born wed. I love him, and I love his fiance.

Hubby tries a million ways to bring me down. All of my days are spent fighting off his negativity. It is wearying. Honestly, I think that is how I feel the most.... just weary. That is the reason the "end it all" stuff creeps in.

I'm so tired of being weary, and having to fight weary.

Maybe that is the human spirit that God puts in each one of us. Keep fighting.