I've always felt like kind of a schlep.  I didn't do very well in high school.  Well, I take that back.  If it was a right brained activity, I did very well.  I skipped biology 10 times and still made an A in the course, because I find the human body facinating.  But math?  For get it!

My mother made me enroll in our local community college before I finished high school.   I'd earned my credits to graduate high school early.  Go figure since I thought I was a lousey student.  I think Mom was afraid I wouldn't go to college, so she forced me into duel enrollment.  I hated it.  And, naturally I failed. Well, I didn't fail... I just dropped out.  She didn't know it. Immediately after high school,  I moved in with my then boy friend, now husband.  Mom and Dad hated that!  After six months, I ended up moving back in with Mom and Dad... big blow up with hubby's dad who we were renting our apartment from.

It was too late to start a semester at the local community college so I goofed around mom and dad's house for a few months until the winter semester started.  Actually, I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and grocery shopped, but I digress.   I had a better attitude about college this time around.  In fact, I was seriously considering my relationship with boyfriend now hubby... thinking it was a dead end and I needed to move on.  I was going to make something of myself, despite the fact I had a poor self image.

I guess you can call it fate, kismet, or just call it stupidity.  Just prior to enrolling in my courses, I got pregnate by boyfriend/hubby.  I had spent a month up at my sister's house in Greenville, SC.  I missed him terribly.  I missed sex terribly.  My son was conceived in a half built house, three down from the house my mom and dad were building at the time. 

I might have made an A in biology but it took me a while to figure out I was pregnant.  Talk about angst!  Should I abort, should I not.  Telling my parents.  Making decisions after I decided not to abort... bla bla bla.  So we decided to get married.  Hubby and I barely had a pot to pee in.  He'd just started working at a local utilities company.  We didn't have insurance.  There was no decision except for me to quit school and work full time.  And, I never told my mother.

So a cool thing happened this fall.  My daughter just graduated high school.  We've prepaid her college... 2 years at the local college, then 2 years at any state college.  Well, the cool thing is that our local community college is now a four year college.  They took the junior out of college.

Like her mom, my daughter wanted to take a break.  Like my mom, I encouraged her to enroll.  But not only that, I began looking at courses.  I began to think, hey... I can to THAT!  So I enrolled, too.  I decided to take at least one course that was the same as daughter so we could encourage one another.  

So what course do I have to start out with?  The course which is the bain of my existance.  Pre-algebra. 

When I took the entrance exam, my scores for composition were off the chart.  My math scores were... yuck. 

So I was freaking out... taking college courses again after 25 years.  The first few chapters of pre-algebra had me in tears.  One night I just lay in bed and sobbed.  Daughter came home from work and slipped into bed next to me, told me everything was going to be okay.  I woke up the next morning and finished the chapter with flying colors. 

Through out the sememster I've been sweating bullets.  This time around is different than before.  Before, parents were paying for my courses.  Now, I have a student loan, and if I don't pass the course I am penalized with a fine!  It sure does make you try harder.  I figured that if I at least passed my courses with a D, I'd be happy. 

Well, I took my final exam for pre-algebra yesterday.  I am on the cusp of an A... the verdict is still out.  I took the final for Art History II this A.M. and am also on the cusp of an A.  I'm just waiting for the grade on my essay for the final grade. 

To say the least, I'm grinning from ear to ear! 

The best part is a break between now and January 9th when classes start again.  I need the rest.  But the other side of the coin is that I'm looking forward to the next semester because I KNOW I can do this!

1. When the chips are down remember - - - you’re not dead yet.
2. Those that seem sweet and innocent on the outside may actually be the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered killer rabbits on the inside.
3. In the face of danger, fart in the advisory’s general direction.
4. We all need spankings every once in a while.
5. When caught in a lie, prevaricate.  “She turned me into a newt… well… I got better.”
6. When crossing the Bridge of Death, it is best to know your favorite color.
7. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
8. If your castle sinks into the swamp too many times, it may be smart to build elsewhere.
9. When all seems hopeless remember - - - it’s merely a flesh wound.
10. When you ain’t got a horse, make do with coconuts.

How people interact with each other in everyday life has always been of interest to me.  I always felt like a nerd as a kid, because I didn’t seem to fit in any particular niche.  I didn’t care to fit into any niche.  I was a nice kid, kind of a tom boy, but non-competitive.  I mean, take the game of Life for example.  When we played that as kids, it really didn’t matter to me if I won or lost.  Playing the game, goofing off and joking around was the fun part.  You know what I mean? … like when you get too many kid pegs to fit in your car… that was always funny. 

 

I also have never understood people who make fun of others. I think it comes back to that competition thing.  People who make fun of others are hoping to gain something.  I just didn’t get it and I didn’t do it.  But I was the butt of it a few times.  I was horribly skinny when I was a kid.  Back then we never heard of anorexia, not that I was.  But,  I got called “scarecrow”.  I also got made fun of because my mother didn’t believe in the latest fashions.  She sewed my clothing, or provided hand-me-downs.  It never occurred to me to make fun of others.  I didn’t get the point, or maybe I understood what it meant to be the butt of people’s jokes.  In any case, even when I got my act together in high school, and the jokes subsided, even when I started to become popular, I didn’t get the making fun of others.

 

I also have never understood people that use deceptive methods to get ahead. 

 

I once had this friend that I worked with.  I considered her a close friend.  She was the kind of friend that you sit out in front of the house and talk til 1:00 AM.  When the company hired a new CFO, everything about her changed.  She was on that man like white on rice.  She was married, he was married, they ended up having an affair, they both divorced… I don’t know where they are today… whether they stayed together or not.  But throughout the entire affair, I was completely out in the left field.  I defended her, because I could not believe she would stoop so low.  In the end, I blew the whistle on the both of them… I was the H.R. manager!  Ha… ha ha ha!  Talk about naïve!  And what a mess it caused at the office.

 

So I have a tendency to be naïve… or I used to.

 

I got burned at the stake by someone from church.  I was, you know, doing something I truly believe in, to the point where I was oblivious to the machinations of others around me. 

 

This was a person I stuck up for when others were against him. For five years I helped him to be a winner at his position in the church, and in the end, he brought me down.  The funny thing … not funny ha ha… funny strange… is that others saw it happening, but because of their position on staff could not tell me.  I was flummoxed by the whole situation.  I didn’t understand what was going on. 

 

In the end, when the truth finally came out, it turned out to be petty jealousy and conceit that caused me to lose a part of my life and a ministry to my church that meant so much to me. 

 

I never understood before this why people turn away from the church.  I didn’t understand how they could be so hurt by a person as to turn away from God.  And then it happened to me. 

 

I can’t exactly say I “left” church.  The macabre thing is that I WORK in another church 40 hours a week!  But I don’t attend my church, or any others for that matter. 

 

The person who hurt me so much is now gone… pasturing a church in the vicinity now that he has finished seminary… off to hurt someone else, which I discovered after talking to people, he was oh so good at. 

 

I want to think at this time of the year that I am past this, since it happened almost three years ago.  You know, it is advent and all that rot.  In fact, I went back to my church last Sunday for the worship service.  Figures the message was on forgiveness, right?  I don’t know how to forgive that man for doing to me what he did.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m not sure if that is entirely wrong.

 

In the end, I suppose I have to realize that if I expect others to forgive me, I have to forgive as well.  It’s just kind of hard to do when you can still smell the smoke coming off your hind end.

 

LOL! Honestly, I'm not positive what I was doing this morning. Well, I do know what I was doing... I write stories and post them at another site. I write best to classical music, or more distinctly, music without words. I decided I'd grown weary of the selection in my library so went to Wal-mart on-line to purchase some downloadable music.

I started first with soundtracks... downloaded a fantastic 6 minute piece from Mission Impossible by the Israel National Orchestra (at least I think that is who done it :-p)

Anyway for some reason I decided to see if I could find anything by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. When I was a kid, I mean like little... well, the record album came out in 1965 so basically I was 4 years old... my mom had The Whipped Cream and other Delights album. I remember wearing my white with blue polka dotted rain coat, and standing on the ottoman and dancing to this music. The cover was ... wow! Mind boggling! I mean there was this woman covered in whipped cream, with the most saucy look on her face. It was the closest to porn I'd ever come.  I mean, her boob was partially exposed! 

As I was growing up, I often listened to this album.  I wasn't even certain what I was listening to.  For example, I JUST realized this morning that Love Potion # 9 is on that album. 

My mom exposed us to alot of classical and jazz.  I love listening to that type of music, because I can close my eyes and imagine so much stuff!  As I started listening to the downloaded music, I got this BIG ASS grin on my face.  It had been so long since I'd listened.  Doncha love when that happens?

A friend of mine described the Karpman Triangle to me one day after I told her about a bad fight I'd had with hubby. Since then, it has fascinated me. Here is a brief explanation for those that haven't heard of it.

Stephen Karpman, a teacher of Transactional Analysis, named the three roles on the Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim and placed them on an upside down triangle representing the three faces of victim. Even though only one is called Victim, all three originate out of and end up back there. Therefore they are all stopping places on the road to victim-hood. We each have a most familiar, or what is called, starting gate position

 

"You might notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. Whenever we assume either of those stances, we come across as one-up. From either position we are relating as though we are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in a one-down position, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from looking up. Feeling"looked down upon", resentment builds and some form of retaliation inevitably follows. At that point the victim moves into a persecutor role. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions."

- The Three Faces of Victim, by Lynn Forrest

 http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

In a dysfunctional relationship, the person or persons involved may start at any of the three points, and end up at any of the three points.  As an example:

My husband is the typical Persecutor:

PERSECUTOR - "It's All Your Fault"

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.

• Blames

• Criticizes

• Keeps Victim oppressed

• Is mobilized by anger

• Rigid, authoritative stance

• "Critical" Parent

In the past, my first response to his Persecutor attitude was to jump into victim mode:

VICTIM - "Poor Me"

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed

• Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.

• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.

• "Dejected" stance.

Husband makes me cry, realizes what an ass he's been so he jumps into rescuer mode:

RESCUER - "Let Me Help You"

• Rescues when really doesn't want to.

• Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.

• Keeps victim dependent.

• Gives permission to fail.

• Expects to fail in rescue attempts.

• "Marshmallow" Parent

When I realized I was participating in this weird merry-go-round, I made a conscious decision to STOP.  I no longer played victim when he came out of the starting gate of Persecutor.  A funny thing happened.

Suddenly he began jumping from Persecutor to Victim and back again.  It's amazing to watch.  I've also seen him jump into the Rescuer position more than once.  One of the things that makes me the most sad, is that he tends to want to be the Rescuer through sex.  In other words, he is thinking "we had this bad fight.  Now let's make up by having sex and I be this great and wonderful lover for you."

Lynn Forrest explains this cycle as well...

"We not only act out these triangular distortions in our everyday relations with others, but also internally. We move around the triangle as rapidly inside our minds as we do out in the world. We trap ourselves with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue. For example, we may come down hard on ourselves for not completing a project. Perhaps we lambaste ourselves as being lazy, inadequate or defective, causing us to spiral into feelings of anger and self-worthlessness. Inwardly, we cow to this persecutory voice, fearing it may be right. Can you see the persecutor/victim exchange happening here? As soon as we begin to blame or insult, a victim is created. And in this case, we're it!"

Perhaps of everything Lynn Forrest stated on her website, this is what struck me the most, "Similar to the way a generator produces electricity, the Drama Triangle generates shame. Whether through internal interaction or external communication, moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages going. The Drama Triangle becomes our own personal shame machine."

Throughout Hubby's life, I've watched him blame himself for a myriad of things that are just a matter of circumstance. 

 For example, obviously when we moved into our current house twelve years ago, we sold our old house.  We could barely afford to move into our new house.  We were fairly young.  We didn't have a life's savings.  Of course we sold our old house!  Sheesh.  I don't think we could have gotten a mortgage if we had that stone hanging around our necks. 

For some reason as of late, he's glommed onto this idea that we should have kept that house.  We should have rented it out.  It is true that the price of property in our area has skyrocketed in the last five years.  But, we couldn't have afforded to own two pieces of property.  He hates maintainance on our current house, which is almost nil.  Can you imagine if he had to keep up ANOTHER piece of property?  Still, even though all these factors are pointed out to him, he still thinks he was stupid. 

My way of looking at things that happened eleven years ago is that it is water over the dam.  You can't go back and relive it.  What is the point of stewing over it. What you do is take what you learned from it, and use it in the future! 

But for hubby, "moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages going. The Drama Triangle becomes his own personal shame machine." 

I think it kind of goes back to that post about drama.  The Karpman Triangle is his personal drama.  It is what he has lived his whole life.  He doesn't know how to jump off.  It gives him a sense of purpose to feel anxious, to lay blame, to jump to victim, to be the rescuer, to jump back to persecutor. 

Man, I'm getting dizzy.  LOL.

P.S.  Hey Graffiti, while I was googling info for this blog post, I came across a link to something you posted a month back.  But when I clicked on it, it had nothing to do with the Karpman Triangle.  Wierd, huh?