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Everything I Need to Know...


 Everything I need to know about life I learned from looking back at what I wrote
 

I stumbled across something I wrote in 1999 while looking for something else.  I guess it kind of amazed me that I actually wrote that and that I felt so convicted about my spirituality back then.  It is amazing what 8 years can bring to a person's life.  Back then I thought I was on top of the world, and that I'd reached a point in my life where I wouldn't sin anymore.  Well, what I mean by that is that I knew I was fallible, but I expected I could take care of those REALLY BIG sins like (cough ... cough) adultery.  Oh... how the mighty do fall.  Here's what I wrote.

 

Commitment

 

I once heard a preacher at a church who said we could lose our salvation if we “bit the hand of God one too many times” so to speak.  I wrestled with this idea quite a bit in my younger Christian life, until I heard this preacher.  He said, “If you were standing with your child on the yellow line of a busy highway, if you child hit your hand enough times you’d let him go.”

 

Rubbish!  I’d never let my child go!  I might rough him up a bit to make him stop.  But I’d never let go of his hand.

 

There are some who say those who believe in “eternal security” make excuses for a reason to sin.  It’s true, I can’t deny it.  On the other hand, how easy it is for a person who thinks they might lose salvation to behave in a manner they think God desires, merely because they are afraid of God.  The only problem is it can’t be done.  At what point do we lose our salvation based on sin? How many sins is too many? How about when we don’t realize we’ve sinned?

 

I would much more like to serve God because I love Him than because I’m afraid of going to hell.  Sometimes lessons are slow, but they are lessons none the less.

 

Prior to my conversion, I was a drug addict.  After my conversion I was a drug addict.  God doesn’t make you wash up before you take a bath.

 

I remember distinctly being at my best friend’s house and there were a bunch of us doing cocaine.  I was trying to tell everyone about my conversion, and the stuff I’d recently learned about God.  Someone passed me the rolled up bill and I snorted up a line of coke.  I still kept on talking about God.  One person finally asked, “How can you snort up coke and preach about God at the same time?”  The funny thing was it didn’t even phase me.  Well, why couldn’t I.  I was saved wasn’t I?  I was going to heaven, so what did it matter?

 

Later, one of my friends who had also been recently converted told me how much that effected her.  How could she be a good witness, win people over to Christ, and still do drugs.

 

Wow!

 

Well, that never occurred to me.

 

So... this meant the way I acted in front of others had a directed impact on my witnessing power?

 

Hmmmm.

 

Okay, so I’m a little slow.  I just kept doing drugs and stopped witnessing.  Except I was going to church every week.  Every week!  And every week an alter call was given. (I attended a fundamental church)   Every week I’d go forward and pray, “Lord, help me to stop smoking pot!  I hate it.”  Every Monday morning I was smoking a joint on the way to work.  This went on for months.  It was horrible.  I knew what I didn’t want to do, I just kept doing it (Romans).  Then I got pregnant.

 

I think God allowed me to get pregnant at this particular point in my life because he knew I would stop doing drugs if  it was physically harming another.  I think of it as His way of answering my prayer.

 

But what amazes me so is that He never gave up on me.  His Spirit kept on me the whole time.  I felt horrible.  How could I justify to the Lord the reason I did drugs?

 

Recently I took over the youth drama team at church.  I don’t know much about drama except that I really enjoy being a part of it.  So I read a collection of books about teaching drama.  The problem was I had no idea how to lead youth.  I kept coming up with ideas of things to threaten them with.

 

John Legg, the youth leader, took pity on me and came to drama to help me learn how to get this bunch under control.  I said, “Okay everybody, grab a chair and gather around me.”  They basically ignored me.  John said, “Alright, let’s go, 10, 9, 8, 7..........”  The kids were around me by the time he said one.  I commented to him later that I found this totaling amazing.  Those kids had no clue what would happen if they didn’t follow his command.  They just did it without any thought to a consequence.

 

What a concept.  If we could just follow Christ’s command without a single thought as to the outcome, what a different world this place would be.  Follow his command, just because we love Him.  How much more could we influence those around us, lead them to Christ, just because we are living a life that exemplifies our love of Christ?

 

Posted by Chris the Skitzoid Lady at 5:04 PM - 4 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 This is BullSh*t!
 

I'm royally pissed.

I've been married to Hubby for 26 years. During that time my side of the family has cost us zilch, zero, nada! Well .... zilch, zero, nado other than freakin' emotional heart ache. Seriously we have made out financially from my side of the family.

In fact, my side of the family has contributed to our coffers in ways we never expected, and could never pay back.

Hubby's side of the family has been nothing but a finacial burden to us. His dad died and we were left with a Grandma as inheritance. Fortunately she had enough to live on to sustain her to the end. Of course, how can anyone know how long is the end. She was a German money monger, and any way she could get something for free, she got it. I cannot name the ways we spent our own money on her to keep her going.

Hubby's mom just died. I started to wonder how her father, hubby's grandpa, was holding up finacially. Hubby went over to visit grandpa today because it is Father's Day. Grampa is buying upwards of $300 per month on scratch off lottery tickets. Hubby just called and informed me he has to give grandpa and his wife $300 of OUR money to help them make it through the month!

I'm thinking WHAT?

Seriously.... WHAT? No... I mean WTF WHAT!

$300 of our money just blew away. Ba Buy! I guess in some respects it is nice to know we have $300 we can just blow away. Hell NO! This is the time of our lives. This is when we are saving for retirement. The kids are grown up and gone. Almost gone. Good bye! Go .... fly away little birdies. Go away.

Now we are strapped with 90 year old WWII veteran grampa? How the fuck did this happen? We seem to constantly get stuck with grandparents! Most people get stuck with parents! We get stuck with Grandparents! Why is this our lot in life?

I'm just a little off kilter and wondering how in hell this happened to us!

It isn't enough that hubby's mom just passed away too sudden for words, way before her prime. We have to deal with that grief and then this shit?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. And fuck again!

Wow, I feel better now. NOT.

Posted by Chris the Skitzoid Lady at 1:28 PM - 1 Comment   Add a Comment  
 

 He is on a med
 

My husband's mother, or my mother-in-law, was diagnosed with a brain tumor, lung cancer, and lymph cancer at the end of December 2006. She did April 13, 2007.

I've noticed when hubby is focused on other areas of his life, he doesn't have time to hyper-focus (anxiety attacks or paranoid ideations) on me.

Her dying was a strange mixed blessing. While her rapid decline brought on hard emotional grieving for me, I also got a reprieve from his constant fixation, because instead he was fixated on his mother dying. Also, because of the stress it was causing him, he finally agreed to a Seratonin re-uptake inhibitor.

It is over a month now since she died, and things are beginning to settle. He still has some work with the estate, but for the most part we are back to normal. ... If you can call her ashes sitting on a shelf of my china cabinet normal. Not that I mind, you see. I seem to be the only one that wants them.

I kept wondering when the other shoe would drop. He was so good for so long, it almost felt like our relationship was normal for once. He is starting up again though. Waking up at 3:00 AM and wanting to talk. Talking about being separated from me when he is working.

Here is a really funny (strange not ha ha) thing. In February, I started working for a place that rehabs folks with severe mental illnesses back into the workplace. The premise behind the agency is awesome, but has nothing to do with this post. How this relates is that so many of the traits which are exhibted in the clients we serve, are also traits exhibited in my husband. Paranoia and major anxiety. Maybe he needs more than a simple SSRI.
Posted by Chris the Skitzoid Lady at 3:46 PM - 3 Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Handing You a Heart Worth Breaking
 

Done. Not done. Giving up. Not. Are we having fun yet? I hate him. I love him. Stupid crazy not sure.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"
Posted by Chris the Skitzoid Lady at 1:28 PM - No Comments   Add a Comment  
 

 Everything I need to know about live I learned from trying to figure myself out.
 

Okay, we've all gotten caught up in the self-help tapes, books, TV shows etc, etc, ad nauseum etc.

So I'm trying to figure out... am I

1. Co-dependent?

2. Passive/Aggressive?

3. On the old Karpman triangle?

4. Bi-Polar (I've determined I'm not)

5. BPD? ---- nah... that's my dad! LOL.

6. Adult ADD? Mom, sister and everyone else swears they are and so therefore I am, too!

7. Suffering from past life disorders.

8. Oh .... here's a good one..... PGMD ... Previous Generations Marital Disorder.

9. Ahhhhhh .... how about Targasm: Tingly sensation shoppers get when they find something really, really good at Target.

10. Sleep Disorder --- okay, this one I can relate to.

Get this. My huband won't let me sleep at night because he fears I'm "away" from him while I'm sleeping. I swear I am not lying! He's told me this one several occassions over the past two years, usually around 2:00 AM. He woke me up the other night and told me again.

Seriously I'm not complaining about my life. Everything I post must seem like a complaint about my life. I'm not complaining, I'm freakin' desperate. I'm to the point where I want to lace his evening tea with a sleeping aid.

To suggest we go to counseling is simply ridiculous. We've done it... three times now. He always ends up saying he doesn't need it anymore.

Here is the funny thing and --- God, I'm so tired --- any sane, mentally healthy person would think.... "WOW! That's weird. He won't let his wife sleep at night! He's afraid of being seperated from her." My husband does NOT understand this is a strange way to think.

I have my own issues.... I admit I'm the classic case of passive aggressive. I don't procrastinate. I purposely procrastinate either out of anger, or because I simply DON'T want to DO IT! I hate when people offer suggestions to make me better. I mean I fume inside. But, here is the thing. I recognize my weaknesses. I don't overcome them instantly, but there is a constant working on them to become a better person.

How do you deal with someone that cannot understand it isn't normal to feel seperated from someone else when they are sleeping? He thinks this is perfectly sane! Ergo, I get constant interupted sleep.

And this is the tip of the iceburg.

Posted by Chris the Skitzoid Lady at 7:44 AM - 1 Comment   Add a Comment  
 
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  About Me
Author: Chris the Skitzoid Lady
From Tampa Bay Area Florida, USA
Age: 46
 
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