Okay, we've all gotten caught up in the self-help tapes, books, TV shows etc, etc, ad nauseum etc.

So I'm trying to figure out... am I

1. Co-dependent?

2. Passive/Aggressive?

3. On the old Karpman triangle?

4. Bi-Polar (I've determined I'm not)

5. BPD? ---- nah... that's my dad! LOL.

6. Adult ADD? Mom, sister and everyone else swears they are and so therefore I am, too!

7. Suffering from past life disorders.

8. Oh .... here's a good one..... PGMD ... Previous Generations Marital Disorder.

9. Ahhhhhh .... how about Targasm: Tingly sensation shoppers get when they find something really, really good at Target.

10. Sleep Disorder --- okay, this one I can relate to.

Get this. My huband won't let me sleep at night because he fears I'm "away" from him while I'm sleeping. I swear I am not lying! He's told me this one several occassions over the past two years, usually around 2:00 AM. He woke me up the other night and told me again.

Seriously I'm not complaining about my life. Everything I post must seem like a complaint about my life. I'm not complaining, I'm freakin' desperate. I'm to the point where I want to lace his evening tea with a sleeping aid.

To suggest we go to counseling is simply ridiculous. We've done it... three times now. He always ends up saying he doesn't need it anymore.

Here is the funny thing and --- God, I'm so tired --- any sane, mentally healthy person would think.... "WOW! That's weird. He won't let his wife sleep at night! He's afraid of being seperated from her." My husband does NOT understand this is a strange way to think.

I have my own issues.... I admit I'm the classic case of passive aggressive. I don't procrastinate. I purposely procrastinate either out of anger, or because I simply DON'T want to DO IT! I hate when people offer suggestions to make me better. I mean I fume inside. But, here is the thing. I recognize my weaknesses. I don't overcome them instantly, but there is a constant working on them to become a better person.

How do you deal with someone that cannot understand it isn't normal to feel seperated from someone else when they are sleeping? He thinks this is perfectly sane! Ergo, I get constant interupted sleep.

And this is the tip of the iceburg.

1. Being a stay at home mom is great for raising children. It is not great for your resume. Unfortunately those in the corporate world don't shiv' a get.

2. When you are filling out a job application and you are asked why you left your previous jobs, don't say pay increase. It makes a prospective employer think you might actually like a better salary. DOH!

3. When in a job interview don't say you are willing to do anything as part of your job description. You will be expected to do everything, including cleaning toilets and other people's work.

4. Never and I repeat..... NEVER work at a church. If you work at a church and try to break back out into the corporate world, it is naturally assumed that you had a cushy job working in a church, oooooorrrrrrrrrr worse.... that if another employee at your new place of employment acts politically incorrect, then obviously you'll scream until your head pops off, and then file a claim with the EOCC. Seriously, what do I need to do? Curse during the job interview, or tell an off color joke to convince people I’m not overly sensitive?

5. Okay, how to phrase this one. There is a job I really want, and the corporation is majorly dragging their feet. A good friend suggested that I call and let them know I've been offered a job with another company and therefore, could they let me know where I stand. It is the complete truth. I WAS offered another job. But, I REALLY wanted THAT job! When I called, the lady I interviewed with suggested I take the other job.... but .... I was still in the running with her company! WTF!?! But, I want that job!!!. Why is it when I follow someone’s advice it always turns around and bites me in the butt? Now they think I’m playing some game. I’m not!

6. When you wake up at 2:00 AM and your head is spinning with the interviews you've had and how much you hate the place for which you currently work, don't despair. Tell yourself to think about it in the morning, and try to go back to sleep. Then after you haven't slept from 2:00 AM to 5:00 AM, drag yourself out of bed and get ready for the job you despise.

7. Yeah... you are the only person at your current job who has to share an office with someone else, and yeah he's kind of weird in so many ways. But he's not Hannibal Lector. He just tries to shove his religion down your throat, and makes jokes that really aren't funny, then wonders why you don't laugh. Just take a deep breath, let it out, breath in again, and promise not to throw a chair through the nearest window to escape. You still need that job to make ends meet, even though you are in the interview process.

8. Imagining ways to snuff out the people you currently work with is not a real good idea, especially if you begin collecting materials to create a bomb. Yes you want interviews, but not with a nice detective from the FBI.

9. When feeling defeated, send your resume to every freakin’ office in the world. Yeah, so you don’t want to work in outer east Mongolia for 5 cents a day. But if they call you for an interview, it might make you feel better.

10. If all else fails, pray. Remember, Philippeans 4:4-7 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My son recently married in Bolivia. My son has always been a kind of oddball, so if it seems strange that he got married in Bolivia... it is kind of strange and the story itself is one of those Kismet things.

This blog post is not about my son getting married. It is about a decision I made in December that after we got back from the wedding I was going to see a lawyer about a divorce.

From the moment dear hubby found out that the wedding was going to be in Bolivia and that we were going, he has made my life a living hell. I told him on several occassions that he DID NOT HAVE TO GO! I honestly believe it made him happier to complain (soap opera syndrom). So literally from Mother's Day (when my son and his fiance made the announcement) to this day, I've had to hear him complain. I think he actually thought if he complained enough that I wouldn't go. I've discovered that when he doesn't want me to do something he harangues me until I don't. But, come hell or high water, I was going to my first born's wedding!

My husband always has to have a crisis in his life. There is no such thing as contentedness. I guess I should be happy that the wedding took his mind off my past affair. At least he stopped bitching at me about something that took place four years ago.

So the decision was made to see a divorce attorney when I came back from Bolivia after the new year, mostly to get the low down and start getting my ducks in a row.

Just before Christmas, my mom in law was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She implored us to go to Bolivia for the wedding despite the diagnosis. While there, we found out she has cancer on her lung, and when we arrived back we found out the cancer is in her lymph nodes.

I'm not stupid. I'm 45. I know what this means. I also know that I am not so inhumane as to start divorce proceedings while my husband goes through the trauma of his mother dying.

While in Bolivia, I caught the "crud". A bad cold and Montezumma's revenge. So I've been going to bed early every night. Last night I went to bed at 8:00 PM. He came to bed at 10:00 PM and started this weird conversation. He can see me in his head like I was as a little girl. I told him that was nice but I don't like being treated like a little girl. He had to audacity to tell me that I make poor choices and therefore he has to treat me like one.

My response was that he NEVER has the right to treat me like a child.

This is the triangle, folks. Hubby = persecutor, Me = Victim, we both traverse the rescuer line. Except that I've jumped off the triangle and now he has no one to persecute, and I won't let him be the victim. It makes him very unhappy, and so he just tries harder.

What a fucked up life this is.