LOL! Honestly, I'm not positive what I was doing this morning. Well, I do know what I was doing... I write stories and post them at another site. I write best to classical music, or more distinctly, music without words. I decided I'd grown weary of the selection in my library so went to Wal-mart on-line to purchase some downloadable music.

I started first with soundtracks... downloaded a fantastic 6 minute piece from Mission Impossible by the Israel National Orchestra (at least I think that is who done it :-p)

Anyway for some reason I decided to see if I could find anything by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. When I was a kid, I mean like little... well, the record album came out in 1965 so basically I was 4 years old... my mom had The Whipped Cream and other Delights album. I remember wearing my white with blue polka dotted rain coat, and standing on the ottoman and dancing to this music. The cover was ... wow! Mind boggling! I mean there was this woman covered in whipped cream, with the most saucy look on her face. It was the closest to porn I'd ever come.  I mean, her boob was partially exposed! 

As I was growing up, I often listened to this album.  I wasn't even certain what I was listening to.  For example, I JUST realized this morning that Love Potion # 9 is on that album. 

My mom exposed us to alot of classical and jazz.  I love listening to that type of music, because I can close my eyes and imagine so much stuff!  As I started listening to the downloaded music, I got this BIG ASS grin on my face.  It had been so long since I'd listened.  Doncha love when that happens?

A friend of mine described the Karpman Triangle to me one day after I told her about a bad fight I'd had with hubby. Since then, it has fascinated me. Here is a brief explanation for those that haven't heard of it.

Stephen Karpman, a teacher of Transactional Analysis, named the three roles on the Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim and placed them on an upside down triangle representing the three faces of victim. Even though only one is called Victim, all three originate out of and end up back there. Therefore they are all stopping places on the road to victim-hood. We each have a most familiar, or what is called, starting gate position

 

"You might notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. Whenever we assume either of those stances, we come across as one-up. From either position we are relating as though we are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in a one-down position, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from looking up. Feeling"looked down upon", resentment builds and some form of retaliation inevitably follows. At that point the victim moves into a persecutor role. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions."

- The Three Faces of Victim, by Lynn Forrest

 http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

In a dysfunctional relationship, the person or persons involved may start at any of the three points, and end up at any of the three points.  As an example:

My husband is the typical Persecutor:

PERSECUTOR - "It's All Your Fault"

• Sets strict limits unnecessarily.

• Blames

• Criticizes

• Keeps Victim oppressed

• Is mobilized by anger

• Rigid, authoritative stance

• "Critical" Parent

In the past, my first response to his Persecutor attitude was to jump into victim mode:

VICTIM - "Poor Me"

• Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed

• Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.

• If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.

• "Dejected" stance.

Husband makes me cry, realizes what an ass he's been so he jumps into rescuer mode:

RESCUER - "Let Me Help You"

• Rescues when really doesn't want to.

• Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.

• Keeps victim dependent.

• Gives permission to fail.

• Expects to fail in rescue attempts.

• "Marshmallow" Parent

When I realized I was participating in this weird merry-go-round, I made a conscious decision to STOP.  I no longer played victim when he came out of the starting gate of Persecutor.  A funny thing happened.

Suddenly he began jumping from Persecutor to Victim and back again.  It's amazing to watch.  I've also seen him jump into the Rescuer position more than once.  One of the things that makes me the most sad, is that he tends to want to be the Rescuer through sex.  In other words, he is thinking "we had this bad fight.  Now let's make up by having sex and I be this great and wonderful lover for you."

Lynn Forrest explains this cycle as well...

"We not only act out these triangular distortions in our everyday relations with others, but also internally. We move around the triangle as rapidly inside our minds as we do out in the world. We trap ourselves with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue. For example, we may come down hard on ourselves for not completing a project. Perhaps we lambaste ourselves as being lazy, inadequate or defective, causing us to spiral into feelings of anger and self-worthlessness. Inwardly, we cow to this persecutory voice, fearing it may be right. Can you see the persecutor/victim exchange happening here? As soon as we begin to blame or insult, a victim is created. And in this case, we're it!"

Perhaps of everything Lynn Forrest stated on her website, this is what struck me the most, "Similar to the way a generator produces electricity, the Drama Triangle generates shame. Whether through internal interaction or external communication, moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages going. The Drama Triangle becomes our own personal shame machine."

Throughout Hubby's life, I've watched him blame himself for a myriad of things that are just a matter of circumstance. 

 For example, obviously when we moved into our current house twelve years ago, we sold our old house.  We could barely afford to move into our new house.  We were fairly young.  We didn't have a life's savings.  Of course we sold our old house!  Sheesh.  I don't think we could have gotten a mortgage if we had that stone hanging around our necks. 

For some reason as of late, he's glommed onto this idea that we should have kept that house.  We should have rented it out.  It is true that the price of property in our area has skyrocketed in the last five years.  But, we couldn't have afforded to own two pieces of property.  He hates maintainance on our current house, which is almost nil.  Can you imagine if he had to keep up ANOTHER piece of property?  Still, even though all these factors are pointed out to him, he still thinks he was stupid. 

My way of looking at things that happened eleven years ago is that it is water over the dam.  You can't go back and relive it.  What is the point of stewing over it. What you do is take what you learned from it, and use it in the future! 

But for hubby, "moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages going. The Drama Triangle becomes his own personal shame machine." 

I think it kind of goes back to that post about drama.  The Karpman Triangle is his personal drama.  It is what he has lived his whole life.  He doesn't know how to jump off.  It gives him a sense of purpose to feel anxious, to lay blame, to jump to victim, to be the rescuer, to jump back to persecutor. 

Man, I'm getting dizzy.  LOL.

P.S.  Hey Graffiti, while I was googling info for this blog post, I came across a link to something you posted a month back.  But when I clicked on it, it had nothing to do with the Karpman Triangle.  Wierd, huh?

 

 

 

In February 2002 I had an affair. Well, to qualify it, I was having an Internet affair for about a year before we actually met in person. Some folks don't consider the hanky panky which goes on over the Internet as "an affair". To be honest I'm not sure how to qualify it either.  I was waiting for my daughter to graduate from high school, and then I was going to leave my husband. So, although I did hide my Internet connection with this other man from him, I didn't think of the consequences.

 

A little history. Hubby and I have been married 24 years. That is the only time in that period of our marriage that I did something like this. It is not like I habitually have affairs.

 

Hubby found out in Feb of 2003. I guess I'm not the subversive type. I took a video tape of the event. There was no sexual intercourse involved. Hard to explain what it was all about, but it was incriminating enough.

 

My husband has had major self esteem issues from the beginning of our marriage due to the way he was raised by his parents. His father was an ass, and his step-father was a worse ass. When he saw the digital video on my computer, he freaked. We went to marriage counseling for eight weeks. I immediately cut all ties with the other guy. (I'd been seeing him less and less on line, and had made up my mind to cut it off anyway.)

 

So now it is nearly two years later since Hubby found out.

 

I don't want to downplay what I did. I feel a great deal of remorse for causing him pain. I feel stupid for getting involved with the other guy. I could blather on and on to that end, but only I know how I feel about it, so describing my remorse is kind of stupid.

 

During the time I was seeing this guy online, Hubby and I were going through major stress with our respective extended families. His way of dealing with stress is to be emotionally abusive. My reaction to the abuse was to take up with someone else to feel better. I know it was wrong, not only because it hurt Hubby, but also because I realize now I need to feel better about myself because IIIIIIII respect me!

 

About once a week, hubby goes into this funk. He goes over the same territory again and again. He can't believe I did that. He was trying so hard. I did everything wrong. He just can't believe I would do that to him. I've pointed out that he wasn't the sweet smelling rose he claims to be. He simply can't believe that about himself. He cannot admit he is or ever was lacking.

 

I asked him tonight if he intended on rubbing my face in my mistake the rest of my life. I'm not putting up with it. I've apologized. I've begged for forgiveness. I've begged him to move forward. I've done everything I can think of to assure him I love him and want to make our marriage strong. I've begged for marriage counseling.

 

The thing I can't understand is why it is so easy for him to find fault in others (he is SOOOO quick to point out the faults of others, not just me, and it makes others uncomfortable) yet he is incapable of admitting he should take part of the blame for the meltdown of our marriage 3 years ago.

 

I didn't realize he was mentally abusive until I went to counseling for depression. The good thing is that I've figured out how to defend myself against his attacks. The bad thing is that he isn't getting better. Sometimes when he is in a funk, he sort of scares me. It is like I'm looking at someone I don't know. On of my online female friends, who is also friends with him is afraid physically for me. I've talked about leaving him. She thinks he will try to hurt me if I do.

 

I'm at a loss. I told him tonight that he is mentally ill. I told him that he is stuck in the past, and isn't willing to move forward. He comes up with these off the wall scenarios about what he thinks happened, for example... the other guy and I got together and dissed him. I told him he is coming up with lies and believing them. It fuels the fire. I told him I want to move forward. I keep asking him what about now? How does he feel about our marriage now? He accused me of trying to cover everything over, make the past go away. If I wanted to cover everything over, why would I want to go to marriage counseling?!? I told him that I can't keep living like this. I told him if he was going to continue this rut, I was going to leave.

 

The strange thing is, he has this selective memory recently. I mean seriously, he scares me. He may remember I said it. He may not. He may remember portions of our conversation. I'm not sure.

 

I guess where I am at now is this. My husband can be a great person. We enjoy camping together. We enjoy many things together. I feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. You take this vow, you know? Maybe I'm taking it more seriously than I did before. But should it be my penance to put up with his bizarre behavior? What is in sickness and in health, when one is mentally abusing (or trying to abuse) another? Like I said, I've learned to deflect his garbage, but that doesn't make it any less stressful or wearying. Out of a week's time, we probably get two nights full sleep. He wakes up, then starts to tell me he had a bad dream (regarding the video), or he is so sad. Sometimes he doesn't say anything, he just tosses restlessly.

 

I've tried sleeping in the spare room. He comes in the middle of the night to get me.

 

I guess I have one of two options. Either see a counselor by myself, or see an attorney. Neither prospect seems palatable. I don't want to go back to the same counselor, and how exactly does one pick an attorney?

 

About 9 years ago I asked my husband for a firepot for my birthday. For those that do not know what a firepot is, another name it goes by is chiminea. It is basically a clay fire place for the outdoors.

When we went looking for said firepot, they weren't as popular as they are now.  We ended up with one that the leaf design embedded on the front of it is slightly off kilter.  I didn't let that stop me from getting it.  I am not so much into asthetics as I am into functionality. 

By the way, as I write, the firepot is blazing outside. 

I think my husband thought I was a little wacky when I requested the firepot.  After all, this was something new.  None of our friends had one.  Still, he indulged me because I insisted.  We went all over creation looking for the perfect firepot.  Actually I found the perfect firepot.  It was $400.  The one we bought was $99.  Huge difference, considering our financial status 9 years ago. 

Anyway, we get this thing home and the first thing we read from the instructions which came with it is that a firepot has to be cured.  In other words, don't build a huge fire in it, or it will crack. 

Don't build a fire in it when it is wet, or it will crack. 

This was like a baby.  Good grief!

We were so careful.  Whenever a hurricane came around we made sure to lay it down for fear it would be toppled. 

Actually the toppling fear was mine.  My husband, who is majorly anal rententive and has anxiety issues, thought it would go through our window.  A possibility maybe, but highly unlikely. 

We were also warned NEVER to put in those pre-fab logs that you buy at the grocery store.  They cook too hot, and you end up with a cracked-pot.  So, 9 years later we are putting those pre-fabbed logs in.  It seems that our firepot is well seasoned. 

The clay withstood the test of time.  The heat made it a better vessel. 

So it is for us.  We go through hard times.  Hard times make or break us. 

I like the fact that the firepot has made it this far.  I think there is not much we can do to it, to abuse it that it would break.  I don't want to break my firepot.  It is like an old friend now.  So many things have happened around that fire.  So many words have been spoken.  So many hurts have been healed.  So many wounds have been opened, shut, and opened again. 

I want to be the firepot.  Hard.  Seasoned.  Uneasy to break.  And yet, through all of the abuses, the firepot still has it's yawning mouth opened to take in more. 

You can be seasoned and yet still be open. 

 

P.S. The photo I posted last night was not our firepot. The one posted now is. The dog in the photo is Buster, from my first list of tens post.

I attended a family reunion of sorts this week-end. My mom, dad, sister, brother, and their spouses all met in mid Florida for a week-end of camping with my husband, children and I. The majority of folks I work with or hang with don't get the camping thing. They'd prefer a luxurious hotel, or a cruise ship to the getting back to nature scene.

My first camping experience was when I was three months old. Obviously I don't remember it, but camping is something I grew up with. Besides family camping, both my mom and dad were scout leaders. Some of my best memories growing up were on Boy Scout trips with my dad's troop. I jokingly tell people I was a Boy Scout. I was sort of a tom-boy growing up, and definitely enjoyed hanging out with boys as opposed to girls. Boys do fun stuff like climb trees, build dams across a river with rocks, pick up and examine toads.

Anyway, back to the camping thing.

Throughout my life, I've tent camped, pop-up camped, and trailer camped. Because Hubby and I had our children so early in our marriage, the only way we could afford vacations was to go camping. We have taken the kids to the Outer Banks, Cumberland Falls in Kentucky, Cades Cover, Jekyll Island in Georgia, Several campgrounds in North Carolina, most in the Smokeys, and also several in our home state of Florida. In 1997 my father rented a motor home in the Netherlands and my mom, dad, sister, nephew, daughter and I camped through out the Netherlands, Germany, and Austria. It was absolutely awesome. The beauty of camping as opposed to staying in a hotel, was that we got to meet so many local people. Camping is quite popular in Europe.

Anyway, I guess I'm waxing philosophical lately and have been thinking alot about this camping thing.

Hubby and I purchased a travel trailer last November, and vowed to spend at least one week-end a month away. That in itself has been good and bad. We are spending more time together, but we are also going through a difficult time in our marriage (long story) so sometimes a forced togetherness isn't always good.

I do enjoy nature. I'm sort of weird that way, I guess. I'm not squeamish about bugs, or reptiles, or wild animals. But, I'm not certain that is why I enjoy camping.

I think it has more to do with getting away from the rut of day to day life. We do have a T.V. in our camper but seldom watch it. Every morning on camping trips I cook breakfast, something I seldom do at home. It is sort of therapeutic. Then of course there is the getting to see things you don't always get to see. I love waterfalls. I read recently that tumbling water ozonates the air, which gives the viewer a sense of peace. That is why walking on the beach is so relaxing.

This particular week-end though, I discovered something else. The whole family getting together had a nostalgic aspect. My kids are grown now. My son brought his girlfriend, and slept in his own tent. My daughter, who has been busy with college, boyfriend and a social life came camping with us as well. We hadn't done a family camping reunion in a long time, and I think both kids realized how much they enjoy camping, but not just that, the socialization of being with family in that atmosphere. What is kind of neat is that because we are all seasoned campers, we tend to do work with each other in tandem. For example, my sister and her husband forgot tea bags and cocoa mix. We had it, we shared it, and also shared conversation over it.

We decided to have Thanksgiving on this camping trip since we were all together. It was fun cooking, everyone bringing something to the table, but even more fun to do it in the camping setting. It never felt stressful, like Thanksgiving can sometimes be. I mean, if you think about it, it's not like you have to clean the house to have guests over. I also love sitting around a campfire, cooking marshmallows or smores or whatever. I love the togetherness.

I guess what I've learned from camping is that it forces people out of their daily rut and makes them socialize.